The Hotel Diaries

I Quit My Job

2006-03-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

So for the last 2 years I worked at this one company, but I called it quits. My manager was this gay guy (I don't have problems with gay people), but he kept sexually harrassing me. For example, during meetings I would search for a place to sit and he would say, "Let me clean you off a spot." as he brushed his lap. I couldn't take it anymore, so I quit. Poor Bry, Jeffro, and Chuck still work there, but they should be leaving soon. Except Chuck, I think he likes the attention from our manager.

Jeffro said that he was already looking for a new job at this strip joint. He went in for an interview and said it sounded promising. Bryan has an interview later this week at a human waste processing plant. He will be the guy skimming the toilet paper off the waste so that it can be processed better. He can't smell so it works to his advantage. Now I have to find a job, since I just up and quit. What pushed me over the edge you ask? My boss showed me how he was going through a transformation from a man to a woman. Pretty gross stuff.

-WhizKid leaves

Taking Up 2 Parking Spots

2006-03-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

I understand the importance of keeping a new car looking new, but sometimes some people just do stuff that is annoying. Like when someone parks their new car in two parking spots at the front of a parking lot. If you’re going to take up two parking spots, then do it in the back of a lot.

One time we were in Wisconsin for a comic book convention, Bryan used to be a big collector (at last count he was at about 125,000 issues). We were staying at the Executive Inn in Milwaukee and every night after the convention we would have to park further away than we needed to because this dude had his car parked slanted taking up 2 spots. It was one of those low rider trucks that go 1 mile an hour over speed bumps. Very impractical way to get around.

One day we decided to return early and park our car slanted right next to his. The next morning we got up and watched as he walked out to his car. He looked pissed. Did I mention that Jeffro opened his door as far as he could since we were sporting a rent a car. The next day we did the same thing, but the following morning we woke up to a big commotion outside. Apparently everyone else had parked slanted next to us and eventually someone called the cops.

We were all called down to explain. After about 10 minutes of watching others get interviewed our time to talk arrived. Chuck explained how the guy with the truck parked slanted, so we thought that’s how were supposed to park. The lower rider truck guy overheard us and said we were liars, but we had the backing of the other guest of the Executive Inn. The cop wrote the guy a ticket and said that if he parked like that again he would put a boot on his truck. Sweet victory.

Planet of the Apes is a Real Place

2006-03-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever visited a place and felt like you were in Planet of the Apes? I’m talking about a place where everyone hated you and stared at you with a loathing you’ve never felt before. Well last year the Crew paid a little visit to our friend Mike in Wilmington, NC, where he was shooting a indy movie. He asked if we could be extras in a concert scene and of course we all said “shonuff” and flew down immediately.

Jeffro booked us a Best Western in Wilmington and I footed the bill. It was a nice place by the river and pretty close to where Mike was shooting most of his scenes. In fact some of his cast and crew were staying at the Best Western as well.

The production was actually funded with 16mm Arri cameras and real lights and even a crew of 16 people doing this and that. We were quit impressed, since his last movie involved a VHS camera, 2 VCRs, and some friends with flashlights.

What started off as fun quickly turned into anathema for the crew. I think it started when we were packed tightly in this club pretending to rock out to this band. I remember seeing Bryan talking to some girls he was standing next to. Jeff screamed the Battle Cry, (if one of us is in danger we have a signal to let the others know that we are in danger and need back up), I remember seeing Chuck flying across the crowd trying to get to Bryan, and then me getting punched in the face.

I swung back and apparently hit a girl that we later found out was the Mayors daughter. Her boyfriend was pissed and started trouble with me, but he was a minor threat. One punch to his chin and he was peacefully resting in his girlfriends arms. Turns out he was the police chief’s son and was slightly retarded. Oops, now I can check that off my list of things I’ve accomplished.

Chuck seemed to wind milling his way through a group of football jocks making his way to Bryan who was getting choked by two guys. Jeffro was busy dancing with another guy. I made my way over only to be stopped by a guy in a cop outfit. I grabbed his prop gun and pistol whipped him in the face and proceeded on to Bryan. The crowded dispersed as I waved the prop gun in the air. I finally got to Bryan who was purple in the face. He looked kind of like Grimace. The two goons released their grip as soon as I showed up.

Just then someone grabbed my arm holding the prop gun and pulled me to the ground. It was the actor in the cop outfit. We struggled on the ground for a while until Jeffro kicked the pseudo pig off of me. The Crew circled up as the unruly crowd surrounded us. I yelled back to Bryan and asked what happened. He explained that he was talking with this girl when she informed him that she had dysentery, so she was unable to hook up with anyone for a while. Bryan’s grandfather died from dysentery and took offense to it as a cheap way of saying he was unworthy for her to hump. He called her the “C” word and her girlfriend called her brothers over to hurt him. He did a ninja move to one of the guys throats, but it was close quarters that he was easily overtaken. If we didn’t get kicked out of ninja school then we would have learned some close quarters combat.

The girl with dysentery actually lost control of her bowels and went right there. She was wearing a skirt with no panties so it went straight to the floor and all over her friend’s shoes. Her friend then set off a chain reaction of people throwing up. Chuck didn’t leap to Bryan’s aid, he actually slipped on some puke that sent him flying into the air, where he landed on the crowd control cop. Turns out the guy in the cop outfit was actually a real cop on duty with a real gun. I tossed the gun onto the floor, where one of the guys Jeffro punched picked it up and pointed it at us and pulled the trigger. Safety was on. He switched it off, but was tackled by the cop. The cop wrestled the gun back into his possession and fired a single round into the ceiling.

The mayors daughter and the police chiefs son ran to him and yelled out that I had punched both of them. There was a big “oh” from the crowd. All eyes were on us. Mike jumped down from the camera crane and tried to explain to the crowd what he saw happen, but no one was having it. Then the shoving started it. It was like a mosh pit I didn’t want to be a part of. The band was still playing. So for fun I took another swing at the retarded kid right before I busted my way through the crowd and onto the stage. The Crew and Mike followed in tow. We headed out the back door, where my rent-a-car was parked.

We barely got in before the mob met us and started shaking the car. I slowly pulled away and things started landing on our window: tomatoes, lettuce, and human waste. No question who supplied that material.

At the hotel word had already gotten around about what we had done and we were met by the police and city officials including the Mayor. Needless to say we were kicked out for good never to return to Wilmington.

Say No To Flying Cars

2006-03-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

I was reading an article about the recent Blackberry lawsuit and about how patents are passing that should never be approved, like someone already owning the patent on a flying car idea. The person with the patent hasn't built the car or even have plans in place, they own the patent on the idea. That got me to thinking, will we ever have flying cars?

I don't think so. If we do I think it will only be government and state officials who have access to fly these things. Here's why. You know that guy in your neighborhood who has the broken down car sitting in his drive way, or the car you pass on the highway that has smoke billowing out of the back? Imagine those people owning flyable cars. Imagine that unmaintenanced car flying over your head. First there will be people and property being pegged by parts falling off, but later that car will be crashing ontop of people and property.

Also remember when you threw that trash out your window, imagine someone doing that while flying over your house. Now you got a bunch of trash on your roof, floating in your pool, or sitting pretty on the top of a tree that you can't reach.
I couldn't imagine the sky rage or bad driving from teenagers. I imagine those kids who ride motorcycles inbetween cars flying over or under your slow flying car. Too dangerous, too much responsibility. We haven't reached that type of maturity as a species yet to handle it.

Virginia is for Lovers of Engine Down

2006-03-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

Last year we took a trip to Virginia to see Engine Down on their final tour ever. It was a sad time of year as one of the best bands ever was calling it the end of the road, so we wanted to be a part of that last show. Unfortunately we couldn’t make the last show, so we had to settle for the 2nd to last show in Washington DC’s Black Cat.

I booked us some rooms at this Virginia Beach oceanfront hotel that was by the beach and allowed the Crew to do some honey hunting, unlike Winnie the Pooh. A friend of ours was cool with Jonathon Fuller (Fanny) of the Down, so we were juiced about the whole thing. The day of the show we ate at the Virginia Beach restaurant by the hotel, Timbuktu, and headed to DC to see the show after some sightseeing and to meet up with Tom.

We stopped by the Whitehouse, where every year we do a little protest, so we feel like we are a part of the system. Then we hit a couple of the Smithsonian’s, the Lincoln Memorial (did our Rocky thing), and drove around looking for some vegan places to eat since Bry Bry was getting hungry.

While walking on one of the streets, some big dudes passed us, but not before one of them looked at me then my pants and said “them sum busted ass looking corduroys.” The thing was, I wasn’t wearing corduroys. I was wearing pin stripes. Idiot.

Around 7 we got to the Black Cat and had a snack to eat inside their restaurant. Saw Engine Down come in and we all looked at Tom to introduce us. He finally admitted he didn’t know any of the members of Engine Down. Very disappointing. The show rocked though. Des Ark opened first and played on the floor area with the crowd surrounding them. There were like 5 cameras filming the whole thing. Then more Lovitt bands played including Ben Davis. Talk about a let down. He writes some good music, but performs it so poorly live. Then Engine Down came on and rocked the house. It was a good hour and a half of pure ED.

Afterwards we headed back to the hotel along with police cars and reporters from local stations. The concierge escorted us into one of the meeting rooms in Virginia Beach, where we waited with the other guests. Apparently someone had drown at the beach, but somehow the body had made it back into the bedroom where it laid on the bed covered in seaweed. Spooky.

Setting the Record Straight

2006-02-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

Now some of you may be giggling as you read Jeffro's new post. Real funny Jeffro, but in my defense the dude was half way through his transformation, so he was actually half woman half man. Never trust Jeffro with a secret.

RATFINK

2006-02-27T07:42:00.000-08:00

Back in 2003 the Crew took a short trip to San Diego for some rest and relaxation, if you know what I mean. Work was wearing thin on all of us and Chuck was upset about not making the local bowling league. We thought it was time we cheered him up by taking him to SeaWorld in San Diego.

Apparently it was a packed season, so the best place I could find was this Old Town San Diego Hotel. It wasn’t what you would call a luxury hotel, but hey we planned on partying, so the crappier the better. The walls on these places tend to give easier when we have punching contest. Sure enough the first night we tested this theory and we punched about 20 holes in the wall.

If you haven’t played this game before then let me lay out the rules for you. First you get drunk. Second you get wasted, but only to the point where you can still stand on your own. Then you find some walls and some drunk friends. Each person punches the wall until someone hits a stud. Your hand has to go all the way in or you’re out. It’s like that game on the Price is Right. The person to find a stud fist wins. The longest game we ever played was in Tokyo where we punched 76 holes before finding one.

Since we had a hotel near Sea World in San Diego, we paid Shamu a visit. I haven’t been to SeaWorld in a long time and a lot has changed. There are rides now and it’s more of a theme park than a place to learn about our large mammal friends. Bryan always likes to complain about the restaurants serving meat at a place that protects animals. He has a good argument, so we had to eat at some awesome vegan restaurants in San Diego. The New York SOHO vegan spots don’t compare to the San Diego spots.

When we got back to the hotel we were met by the law. The cleaning lady saw all the holes we put in the walls when she let herself in to clean the room. Don’t worry we always have a plan B. We explained to the police that there were rats running around in the walls and we had to find it to kill it. When the cops ask to see the dead rats, we have one to produce. We apologize to the manager and say we called the front desk, but no one was picking up. You have to look very apologetic and offer to pay for the damage, but let the manager know that you’re ready to go to the press about the rats that you found at their hotel. They kicked us out, but we didn’t have to pay for the damage. The manager did say he was going to put us on a blacklist so we can never make a San Diego hotel reservations again. It didn’t work.

Now you may be wondering where we got the dead rat, well Jeffro use to work at a pet store in G-Ville and all pet stores always have dead rats and mice in the back. Before we hit the SeaWorld we paid some local pet stores a visit and took some dead rats off their hands. I gave them a couple of good punches to bloody them up, then we headed back to the hotel and threw them in the trash. Afterwards Bryan has a ceremony and we bury them somewhere nice.

Better Say You're Welcome, Bitch

2006-02-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

I learned a great lesson once while in Ohio a few years ago. We booked some rooms at these Columbus, Ohio Airport Hotel to check out some of the skiing in Ohio. We chose the hotels because they were near the Port Columbus International Airport and we didn’t want to travel far if we got snowed in.

We hit the town looking for things to do in Columbus, Ohio, but it was very uneventful. The skiing wasn’t bad and most of the girls were cute, but they just didn’t want to be macked on. Lesbos I say because I’m a pig.

We trucked it back to the hotel and stopped off at the Columbus Convention Center. There was a meeting going on in one of the rooms, so we thought we would stop in and see what they were talking about. It was a little event to promote this program called Avid. Video editors used it to splice together video. Pretty cool. Then they said it was time for the ravel drawing, which we had gotten tickets for when we walked in. Oddly enough I won a full version of Avid Express Pro 4.6. I was ecstatic I didn’t know how to edit, but I was happy I won a $1500 program. Boo Yaka!

Afterwards one of the people at the meetings approached me and asked to buy the Avid off of me for $750 in cold hard cash. Great timing because I just lost my wallet with all my credit cards, so we were kind of stuck with no eating money. I agreed and we exchanged money and prize. He said “thank you.” And I replied “Thanks.” That’s where it went wrong.

“What did you say?” the guy replied tilting his head and squinted his eyes, as if I just insulted him.

“I said thanks. What did you think I said?” I replied.

“I thought you said thanks. Why would you say thanks?” He yelled back.

I backed up and Chuck and Jeffro flanked my sides just in case this guy attacked (this was pre-ninja school. My hands weren’t registered deadly weapons quit yet.)
“What’s the problem?” I asked.

“The problem is I said thank you.”

“Yeah, I heard you.”

“And you replied ‘thanks’.” He growled looking me dead in the eye with flared nostrils.

“I’m missing your point.”

“The point is that when someone says ‘thank you’, you should reply with ‘you’re welcome’, not ‘thanks’ you moron.” Then he dropped the box on the ground and snatched his money back out of my grasp. We stood there shocked as he turned to walk away. My stomach growled in hunger. Then Chuck farted.

Spray Bikers with Windshield Wiper Fluid

2006-02-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

I don’t like motorcycles that have that annoyingly loud muffler. I’ve had a couple bikers pull next to my car at a light and rev their engines and the sound was so loud it hurt my ears. So to get back at bikers I like to drive in front of them and turn on my windshield wipers and let the spray get them all over their faces. This works really well in the winter time.

That brings me to my story. Once we were up in Pennsylvania to visit a friend who was dying of AIDS. He shared some needles with his heroin friends and one of the girls had AIDS. It just goes to show that you shouldn’t do hard drugs kids. Try to keep to drinking, smoking weed, and occasionally doing a line of coke, with celebrities only. I booked us this sweet stay at a Carlisle, PA hotels with all the bells and whistles at one of their finest suites. It was winter time so the indoor heated pool, sauna, and spa worked out great for our depressed minds and bodies.

On the way there we noticed a lot of bikers, so we would position ourselves in front of the bikers and let the water go for as long as they would stay behind us. At one of the gas stops, Bryan did something to the rent-a-car so that it shot back more and had a wider spray, which was great for pissing off bikers. We made sure they couldn’t pass by siding up to the drivers next to us. One time a biker tried to squeeze between us and another car, but Bryan quickly rolled down his window and motioned that he would throw a BIG GULP on the biker. In 50 degree weather traveling at 88 MPH, a face full of Sprite just wouldn’t feel good. So that ass backed off and waited patiently for his exit.

When we got to Carlisle we soon discovered why so many dirty bikers were in town. The York Open House. Apparently it’s one of those lame biking events, like those guys don’t have enough events. I think it’s one of those events where they talk about how they’re a minority on the roadways and cry about how no one looks out for their well being. Boo hoo, drive a car hill billy.

When we checked into the Hotel Carlisle, we hit their onsite restaurant Embers. There were plenty of Carlisle restaurants around, but we didn’t feel like dealing with smelly bikers and their ugly women.

After we finished eating we left for the hospital only to get there 2 minutes after our friend past away.

We headed back home the next day, but not before filling up our windshield wiper reservoir with urine. Oh it was classic watching as bikers got sprayed and then would lick their lips. Good times for a dead friend.

Red Socks and Paddy Wagons

2006-02-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

After ninja training the following year we did baseball training. I had heard about the Boston Red Sox and Minnesota Twins training in Fort Myers. I gathered the crew and we flew down south. I booked a stay at this Best Western Hotel in Fort Myers Florida. It was close to the action we were looking for.

Baseball spring training in Florida includes 2 major league teams and a bunch of high school teams and other classes that you can pay to get trained. So we did. We learned how to hit, run, and catch. Great time. When we got back to the hotel there was a wedding. Jeffro and Bryan agreed that the hotel was a great Ft Myers wedding location. Chuck really didn’t care about the subject and headed back to our Best Western Rooms in Ft Myers.

That night we met up with some of the guys we were training with. They said we sucked and we disagreed. Chuck threw down some ninja smoke and we took them out, painted some x’s on their eyes, and called the paddy wagon to come pick them up.

The next day at practice they brought their buddies to take care of us. We were prepared though and we each packed some small ninja weapons in our sports bags. We took them down extremely fast again. Turns out they were some players from the Boston Red Sox. I never knew because I don’t watch baseball.

Ninja Please, Who You Think You Be

2006-02-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

About four years ago the Crew took up ninja classes at this school in Sanibel Island, Florida. It was a hardcore 4 week course where we learned from top ninjas in the field of ninja fighting. Bryan had gotten attacked early that year and we wanted to rebuild his confidence, plus we got to learn to throw ninja stars, which was freakin rad as hell.

We needed an extended stay hotel, but a lot of them were already booked due to these classes being so popular. So I found some condos at this Sanibel Island rental properties place called Sanibel Siesta. It had some really nice accommodations and was a great place to crash after a day of intense training.

The first day of training was amazing and we were all awestruck as we walked into the coliseum and all these ninjas were lined up in rows and columns. It reminded me of a scene straight out of American Ninja. Great flick.

Training was hardcore to the max. We learned the Bo staff, defense with nunchucks, how to kill an attacker while sitting in a chair, and the ninja flip. It was insane training, but worth it. Immediately we saw Bryan’s confidence return. That night while chilling on our comfortable Sanibel Island accommodations, Bryan called up a girl in Gainesville that he really wanted to date, but couldn’t because of his low self esteem. She turned him down, but it didn’t dampen his mood at all. Ninja was a new drug for all of us.

Training day two involved the smoke disappearing trick, which only Chuck got the first try and everyone else kind of mastered after about a hundred tries. The field was covered in ninja smoke. That night we hit some bars, but we weren’t allowed to drink since our ninja masters said we had to be clean of impurities such as alcohol and drugs. I don’t think he knew that ninja was our new drug. While macking on some hot chicks, some dudes approached us and rudely informed us that those were their ladies. The ladies concurred, but diligently told us that they didn’t want their men anymore.

I turned around to deliver the message to the drunken leader of their group, when I saw a fist fly at me. Of course it was in slow motion because my new ninja vision sees everything in non-realtime. I quickly dodged the fatal blow and watched as it hit one of the ladies in the face. Blood squirted everywhere including my new silk shirt with the flame patterns licking my torso. Bryan tended to the lady as Chuck and Jeffro took ninja stances. Chuck dropped some ninja smoke and disappeared only to reappear behind our enemies. He grabbed two of the goons by the shoulders and flipped them ninja style onto the floor. They were incapacitated immediately from the fall and alcohol. Two more goons got up from the table they were sitting at to help them.

Jeffro whipped out his training nunchucks and proceeded to remove more of the goons with a cyclone of foamed handles slashing the air. I was busy blocking every punch the leader threw at me. It was straight out of a Don the Dragon movie, where speed of the ninja meets the brute force of evil. When I got bored I delivered a blow to his chest that sent him flying 50 feet back. Chuck ducked as the leader of the goons flew over his head and into three more goonies.

Then the owner of the place blasted his shotgun into the ceiling and we all stopped. He pointed the gun at me and told me and my crew to leave. I explained that we weren’t here to start trouble, only to end it. He fired the shotgun and I dodged it, like the little old man in Remo Williams. Bryan ninja flipped over to the owner and ripped the gun out of his arms taking some finger flesh with it. We politely left as we could sense that we were not wanted. These people weren’t ready for our ninja culture and ways of living.

The next day we arrived at ninja camp to discover that word got out about our little fiasco at the bar. The ninja master was not happy and had us turn in our ninja mask and smoke. Chuck tried to escape via ninja smoke only to have the master grab the ball before it could explode on the ground. Chuck could still be seen running as if the smoke had exploded anyways.

That’s how our wonderful Sanibel Island vacations was ruined. Don’t try to keep a ninja down, because he will gather with other ninjas and destroy you.

The Big Halo Meet in Orlando

2006-02-17T14:21:00.000-08:00

So for about 3 years we’ve been playing this little video game called Halo. It’s one of those first person shooters (FPS) that’s main point is to kill as many people as you can. Good solid clean fun. The Crew is a pretty good team and we hold our own online, but last year we went against this one clan (The Mega Smashers) and they talked a lot of smack. Needless to say we wiped the floor with their mammas.

About 5 months ago I got a call from one of the players and they challenged us to a Halo face off. I agreed, without needing to speak with the crew, and asked her to name the time and the place. She said they wanted to battle it out in Orlando at her dads work in one week.

“Well you better order your flowers today, because in a week there’s going to be a funeral; your funeral.” I told her right before we said goodbyes.

A week later the Crew and I were down in Florida staying at this Orlando area hotel called Howard Johnson Plaza Hotel, where the girl’s father worked. It was a nice joint and he gave us a pretty good discount. He reserved a room at one of the meeting rooms at the hotel and had it decked out with Halo artifacts.

Awaiting us in the room was 2 tables, one for each team and 16 Xboxes with 16 TVs so each player got their own screen. It was a sweet deal. The only problem was we only had 4 players, and we needed 4 more. Jeffro called up his online friends The Halo Demons and asked if they were busy. They weren’t and headed on over to fill the spots.

The Mega Smashers walked in about an hour later after we played a couple warm up games. It was kind of shocking meeting them in person. We knew they were young, but we had no idea they were around 9-12. They all wore these facial expressions, like professional sports players before a game, they were psyched. I approached them, shook hands and asked them to call the game. A couple of them whipped out their memory cards and loaded some pre-built games and loaded them on the boxes they sat at. I finished up a couple of my pre-builts and waited. Bryan let them know that they could select the game first.

The night was long and the games were quick. No waiting in between games as the next one was immediately selected and started. For about 10 hours we played into the next day. Only one break was called the whole night for a 15 minute dinner/poop break. In the end we won, but barely. These cats had been practicing hardcore and nearly took us on most of the games. We beat them by winning one more match than them, but it was close the whole night.

When we left we went across the street, since it was a hotel near Orlando Convention Center and checked out what was happening there. Nothing but a lame computer show, where they sold old refurbished stuff. Then we went back to the hotel with our extended crew and asked how to get to Universal Studios. The girls dad told us they offered Universal Studios transportation and so off we went.

That was a great time and the Halo Demons were some crazy fools.

Portrait of a Vampire Family

2006-02-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

Last year I got this painting gig in Ohio to paint some rich dude and his family for a good sum of money. He was a friend of a friend and found out that I painted and like all rich people we go to our hook ups and people we know before we go out searching for talent anywhere else. Keeping it in the upper crust family so to speak, it’s a good way of keeping the poor poorer.

I didn’t want to go alone just in case this family was weird so I brought good ole Chuck along since he also did some painting on the side and I could pretend that he was my assistant. So we flew to Toledo (isn’t that the dog from Wizard of Oz) and checked into this cool Toledo hotel called Hotel Seagate. Pretty nice for a little town and lots of hot chicks staying there. Meow, come to Papa Smurf baby.

I snagged the map to the location off of Google maps and we headed out to this dude’s house. Man this guy was loaded. My parents really had some connections. This guy lived in what can only be described as a mansion inside of a mansion inside of a castle. I hope that paints the picture for you.

We make nice and have some coffee with him on one of his balconies and he tells me that each year he has a new artist paint his family to hang in their family gallery (which was better than some museums I’ve been at) and also to take pictures of for the Christmas cards. Seemed normal, but then he mentioned that his family was a bit peculiar and that this year they wanted to all wear costumes and do some freaky stuff. I assured him that I was confident that it would all be in good taste and that I would captures the family’s spirit and personalities in a fitting matter.

He then dropped the news that he and his wife would be in a sexual position, while his oldest daughter of 25 would whip him in the back. I thought that was fine I guess and looked over to see Chuck’s eyes enlarge and a smile split across his face. Then his only son and his son’s gay partner would be in full S&M attire and Frenching each other. Now that might be hard to draw unless they stayed really still I told him. Chuck’s smile got larger. The rich guy said they would be standing still and that they were pretty good at posing for these portraits.

The next night we met the family in the great room where a fireplace the size of two vans set the background for the portrait. And there they all stood some naked while the others in gothic clothes with knives, whips, chains, and one girl holding a shotgun to her husband’s face. It was kind of creepy, but at the same time erotic.

Charlie helped me get the preliminary part down so we could take it back to the hotel and analyze it along with photos that he took for clothing detail and color matching. While listening to some great Indy rock, better known as Engine Down, on my I-pod I noticed something in one of the close up photos. Each member of the family had little bite marks on their necks. Then I remembered that there were no mirrors in the entire home and each time we met it was at night. Kind of spooky.

The next night we met up to finish up the painting. Oddly enough the family members were all standing in the same spot as the night before. That night Chuck and I ate at one of the Toledo Ohio restaurants and discussed my vampire theories. He agreed and then showed me where one of the sons had bitten him. He said that he was feeling weird and kind of sick.

Our night at the hotel was long and painful, especially for Chuck who was constantly throwing up and dry heaving. The next morning I took him to a local hospital and told the Doc what had happened. After looking over Chucks punctures he gave him a prescription and instructed us to visit the local Pharmacy.

After we hit the Toledo Ohio Zoo I drove Chuck by the pharmacy and got the prescription. The pharmacist acted a little strange when we gave him the doctor’s subscription. He asked where Chuck was bitten. Chuck replied on his neck. The pharmacist replied that he wanted to know where in Toledo Chuck had been bitten. I informed the guy that we were up at the rich guys house doing a painting for them. That’s when the pharmacist went pale white and said “That family has owed me money for over 6 months.”

brrreeeport

2006-02-15T13:48:00.000-08:00

Moving in with the brrreeeport click and you know, doing the brrreeeport thing I likes to do.

If I shot the Vice President, would you all give me 24 hours to break the news?

The Wichita Witch Trials

2006-02-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

After watching that scary movie The Blair Witch Trials we decided to make our own low budget screamer called the Wichita Killers. I whipped out a script in like 5 hours, bought a mini DV camera, a light kit, called up some friends in Wichita and off we went. I figured if they made it with $30,000 then I would make mine for half and double the profits they made.

We booked some rooms at these two Wichita Kansas hotels where the management was really cool. The night manager even called some of his friends to help be extras and do some location scouting. We had the crew staying at the Scotsman Inn, while the cast stayed at the Mark 8 Inn a couple miles away.

The premise of the movie was that this killer was going around Wichita killing people, but no one knew who it was because there was no trace of the murder except for a pair of bloody gloves left at the scene. The first day of shooting went pretty well as we started with the opening scene with a car chasing a girl on foot. Running for her life the girl finds herself escaping into the deep dark woods of Wichita. There she runs into her pursuer, who ends up hanging her from a tree by her hair and using her naked body as a punching bag.

The next day shooting didn’t go as well and basically ended shooting. That’s all I’ve got for ya happy cinco de mayo.

Ready, Aim, Fire

2006-02-13T13:03:00.000-08:00

I was up late last night after hearing about how Dick Cheney shot his good friend in the old face during a hunting incident and it reminded me of a time we went to Hawaii and Jeffro accidentally shot this chick with a rubber.

We headed to Hawaii last winter for some sun and fun, if you know what I mean. I booked some suites at the Honolulu Airport Hotel. This was a nice hotel at the airport with a restaurant onsite so we could do some dining in Honolulu without going far.

So the story starts that we were looking for crazy things to do in Honolulu to kick off our vacation. I’m talking cliff diving, parachute jumping, and maybe fight some locals who hate Americans from the bigger island. The cliff diving was insane scary each time you get up there to jump again. Each time we climbed back up the hill to jump again, it would be about ten minutes of Chuck betting Jeffro he couldn’t do it for $50 then Jeffro standing around for 5 minutes feeling it out, then Bryan running past him and jumping below. Then Chuck would follow and then me. Jeff would jump and we would start the process all over again.

The next day we went skydiving and actually flew over the set of LOST, which was not in production. Since we didn’t have enough jumps under our belts we had to be strapped to other jumpers, which kind of killed the thrill. I had this one dude who seemed to be a little too friendly and constantly whispered the instructions into my ear.

Jeff’s tandem jumper was this cute girl, Sandy, who was part-timing while she finished college. Jeff and Sandy got a long real well. So that night she took us out to go dancing at some clubs. Jeff and Sandy went to some corner of the club to talk and kiss each others faces. About 20 minutes later we heard her screaming and everyone rushed over to see what had happened. When we got there Jeff was fighting with some dude and Sandy was on the floor holding her eye. Chuck jumped in and pulled the guy off of Jeffro and continued to beat the guy up. Jeffro went over to Sandy to comfort her and we helped usher them through the crowd to safety outside.

Outside Jeffro explained that Sandy wanted to give him a little something under the table, but wouldn’t unless he was wearing a Jimmy Hat. So Jeffro whipped out a Jimmy and proceeded to put it on, when some dude came over for Sandy. Turns out was her ex-boyfriend and Jeffro lost grip of the Jimmy and it snapped from his fingers and hit Sandy in the eye. When the dude saw Sandy come up from under the table he got pissed and started beating on Jeffro. The moral of the story is don’t sky dive over the LOST set since it’s bad luck.

It's All Random

2006-02-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

About three months ago I had to make an art trip up to Cambridge, Mass, where there was a panel of artists discussing art distribution and networking. I stayed at this Cambridge Inn called the Mary Prentiss Inn.

When I got to the art conference I noticed my arch rival, Shane LaCrap was attending. Last time I heard, he was in Paris working at the Louvre’s gift shop. Turns out he returned to the States after “studying under a great master” and now he knew all he needed to know to out paint me. I wasn’t having it. During the art conference I played it cool, and showed no animus.

After the conference I headed back to my Harvard Square hotel in Cambridge. I checked with the owners of the inn to see if there was any clubs I could check out. They weren’t sure, but just then LaCrap drives by with a car fool of girls. The car stops outside the inn and he spills out onto the street still in his all black mod attire. The girls are laughing and he’s drunk as hell. The inn keeper runs over to help him up, but I put out my arm to stop her. She looks at me with confusion and I shake my head side to side and give her the look that he’s not worth it. She breaks my hold and runs by his side.

They start kissing on the street and he starts undressing her. I get grossed out because she’s in her late 40’s. Then I feel the grandma panties hit me in the face. I puke.

When I wake up I’m no longer at the Cambridge suite. Instead I’m in my New York apartment. It was all a dream. Yes a dream. Then I roll over and I see the Inn Keeper naked in my bed.

Pretty Girls Make Graves

2006-02-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

I really liked reminiscing about our days as a band, so I’ve got another one for the fans. During the same tour we played a gig (that means ‘show’ for those of you not in the biz) in the Windy City. So we arrived in Chi-Town the day of the show and got there around o’dark thirty and checked into our hotel in downtown Chicago, the Whitehall. Nice joint and great beds for the tired heads.

We awoke about 2ish and called the Double Door to see about bringing our gear by. They were really cool and said we could store it if we wanted. So we did and then hit the town to drink our wages. After walking about for an hour I decided to call one of the girls from K.I.T.I.D. and see where they were at. To our surprise they were driving around Chicago looking for a place to stay and they decided to meet up with us so we could help locate a place.

The search lasted about an hour before we realized the Chicago hotels stay pretty packed, so we invited the girls to stay with us back at our Chicago hotel suites. They agreed.

That night the show went well and the crowd was jumpin. I would say there was about 50 – 60 people there which was the biggest crowd we got, until Paso Robles. K.I.T.I.D. played a wild set and afterwards met up with some fans and ended up taking them back to the hotel rooms. Unfortunately for us we had nothing to do after the show, so we checked out the Italian restaurants in Chicago to see how good they were. They were good. Then when we went back the hotel the girls from K.I.T.I.D. were there just chilling with no fans in site.

Apparently they had been waiting for us to get back so they could go to dinner, but we thought they were bumping uglys with the guys they brought back. They were pissed and left for dinner. On the way out I suggested some good restaurants.

Smegma on Crackers

2006-02-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

Did I ever mention the time the Crew had a band? I never mentioned “Smegma on Crackers”? That’s right we were rock gods for about two years shredding the underground scene in G-ville back in the day. Jeff slapped it up on Bass and backup vocals, Bryan tore it up on the guitar and vocals, and I smashed it up on drums and screams. Sometimes Chuck would be in town and he would be on the Nord Lead keyboards bringing in the sound fx and spooky werewolf howls. We were your typical thrash metal band with the double kick drums going on and metal bat belt buckles and skull t-shirts. We actually put out a 7” on the defunct Hear That Sound Records. Those were good times.

I remember the time we went on tour with some other G-ville bands, like the Usuals. One tour we went on this small thrasher tour with Kill It Till Its Dead, Smash Your Face with Pencils, and Butterflies without Wings. It was during the summer time so Chuck was getting evil with the keyboard. During the last leg of our small college tour we were in this little town in California called Paso Robles. It was one of those wine towns where everything served wine even the elementary schools. Amazingly enough DUIs and car accidents were lower than in G-ville.

We got there a day early since a show in San Diego fell through and we wanted to get some sleep. I got the Smegmas some suites at this Paso Robles Bed and Breakfast joint. Really nice luxury suites deserving of sweaty drunk college Goths to destroy and taint with our filth. The owners were really cool though and actually let us play an acoustical set for the other guest in the morning. From the looks on their faces our songs about punching old people and peeing on our bosses car didn’t translate to well and my random screaming profanities didn’t go well either.

After breakfast we met up with the other bands and decided to hit the club to make sure we were still on which we were. Then we tried to find some stuff to do, but all there is to do is drink wine and look at nature. Bryan enjoyed himself, but the rest of us were bored and getting hotter by the minute with our all black attire. We found nothing to do, so we hung out at the Bed and Breakfast till the show.

When we went back to the club we were playing at we almost couldn’t get in because it was so packed. Apparently some of the guest at the B&B were local radio jocks and spread the word about our show, so everyone showed up. It was one of the best shows we ever played. At one point Chuck jumped into the crowd and served, then Jeffro jumped in, bass in hand, and played while he was lifted from one side to the next. The night ended with me burning my drum set on stage as we played our final song “My Moms Friend French Kisses Like a Whore” and some of the girls from Kill It Till Its Dead came on stage and did some stripper dancing. Not bad for a little wine country town.

Some People Shouldn't Get Married

2006-02-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

Before I lived in New York I lived in Florida (just in case you haven’t been paying attention). I had been to New York before I lived here and I loved it so much I eventually moved here. One thing that almost prompted me stay in Florida though was when Jeffro had proposed to his then girlfriend, Crazy Christy.

Now you may be wondering why I call her Crazy Christy, well it’s because she is crazy. She takes medication to make sure she doesn’t start seeing monsters or hearing voices. Also because of what she did at the wedding from hell.

When Jeff broke the news to us that he proposed we all smiled and gave him our support. Then when he said that she moved in with him a week later, we smiled through gritted teeth and somewhat supported him. The crew peppered him with questions like, “what if she forgets her meds and decides its fine to stab you?” or “Remember when she drink her pee?” and Jeffro would reply back, “She never drink her pee.” Then we would remind him of conversations where Christy would drink with us, then say something like, “I think I’ve had urine before, but I’m not sure.”

The following week he said the wedding was less than 3 days away. That’s when we had the intervention. We got all the crew together, plus I knew a couple of Christy’s ex-boyfriends and invited them along. For 3 hours we tried to convince Jeffro that he was making a mistake. One guy even brought home video of Christy off her meds and it wasn’t pretty. She thought she was Luke Skywalker and hit the town with a light saber naked. She eventually got arrested when she entered a grocery store and started hitting children with the plastic light saber. Jeff didn’t budge though. He was set to marry and all we could do is be a part of the day.

They wanted to have the wedding in New York City at some church she used to attend. I was one of the Best men and due to such short notice, I had to book Chuck, Bryan, and myself a room at this 2 star New York City hotel, called Riverside Towers. It wasn’t bad, it was clean and was a place to sleep, but it wasn’t the luxury I was used to. It was so cheap I didn’t have to pay for Chuck or Bryan.

The day of the wedding dark clouds rolled over the city almost like an omen. As the hours got closer to the wedding more things went wrong. All the bride maids got stuck in a subway on 42nd street. Apparently the train broke down and wouldn’t move anymore. The cake they ordered had apparently been made with peanuts, which Jeff is allergic to. The tuxedo I had brought got peed on, when on the plane. The airline stuck the suitcase next to a pee crazed dog who marked all the luggage his for the day. Bryan came down with some freaky 24 hour flu and attended even though he was shaking uncontrollably and his skin was a pale blue. Chuck didn’t have a suit and was hoping he could find one in NYC, and he did, but it wasn’t what he wanted.

During the ceremony, which only 6 people attended in this huge empty church, there was a Rabbi instead of a priest, but he was all they could find at final notice. (I think Jeff’s dad is Jewish). Christy lost her medication in the hotel and was finally feeling the affects of it. 2 minutes into the ceremony she starts twitching and looking around, like a druggy looking for cops. Then she turns to Jeffro and yells “Where’s the beans!” and pushes him down.

At this point you’d think he’d realize his mistake, but no he gets up and chases her. When she realizes he’s chasing her she freaks out and screams. So loud people came into the church thinking something was wrong. She starts yelling “Don’t spill the beans Batman” and jumps onto Jeffro as she starts ripping her dress off. Now for a crazy girl, she had a nice body with some killer tats covering her right breast and shoulder. Bryan ran over to help, but became so overwhelmed by the flu he threw up on Jeff who’s mouth was open during the struggling.

The police showed up shortly with guns at the ready demanding answers and telling me not to move. The Rabbi tried to run, but the white cop shot him in the leg. I think it was racists, but I’m not sure.

After arresting Christy, we went back to the hotel and packed to leave. Jeff apologized and we made packed to never mention the event ever again. I broke the packed today. Oops. I've got no pictures of the wedding to show.

Three Nuts are Better Than Two?

2006-02-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

Manhood is very important for guys. Not having our junk working properly has a harsh affect on a person of the male gender emotionally, but imagine missing part of your package or all of it. That would drive some men to suicide or a deep depression that drugs couldn’t cure.

Chuck was one of those unfortunate guys and was diagnosed with testy cancer when he was 24. It was shocking to us all and something we knew nothing about. I was thinking they would cut the cancer out and Chuck would get to keep Mr. Left and Mr. Right. Unfortunately, the surgery called for a removal of Mr. Left. That would be Captain Low to me, Patches for Jeffro, and Bryan calls it #1 (not sure why).

After the removal, Chuck stopped dating for a long time and went without sex for about 1.3 years. Well at least with a 2nd party involved. It was real depressing and a downer. It was hard for him to look at anything that reminded him of Mr. Left. He stopped eating walnuts, playing football, and couldn’t watch zombie movies where they ate brains. He definitely stopped watching “I Spit on Your Grave”.

One day Jeffro came over and pulled up this site that talked about a new technology where they can give guys a replacement Mr. Left. I was a little iffy about it, but the more I thought about it the more I thought that Chuck might like it. It didn’t matter that Mr. Left was gone, what did matter is that Mr. Right became Mr. Middle. A girl wouldn’t know the difference if he replaced it with a fakey. Plus he would be part cyborg from the waist down, which is pretty cool for fans of the Terminator.

A week later I got up the nerve to tell Chuck. Luckily for me he was already checking it out and found a place in Key West that would do the surgery and was pretty reputable. So off we went to get Chuck a new ball. Mr. Left would return to the sack.

I booked us a stay at a cool Key West condo rental place called Keys Luxury Resort. I figured I better go all out to cheer up Chuck. Afterwards we could check out some Florida Keys fishing and hit the open seas. Or check out some other things to do in Key West Florida.

At the doctor’s office, Dr Anderson asked if there were any questions and something just popped into my head so I asked. “Can more than one be added?”

The doctor thought I was joking, but I wasn’t, but I could tell the Doc wasn’t amused so I kept quiet. Then Chuck spoke up liking the idea. The Doc said it was a bad idea since there would three pieces in the sack and when Chuck got cold the sack would have to work extra hard to pull all three parts closer to the body. Chuck replied that he had some tuff sacks and that they could pull the extra weight. So the doctor said it was his call.

Well after dwelling over it for a second, Chuck agreed and now there’s a Mr. Bean, Mr. Original, and Mr. Third Wheel. And I have to admit that knowing he has more junk in his front kind of makes me feel inadequate as a man. It’s like when I got the 43” flat HDTV, then Jeffro went out and got the 47” flat HDTV; I felt like he had more machismo than I had. Or when I got the Toyota Tundra and then Bryan got the Ford F150; I didn’t have intercourse with my girlfriend for a week. Then Bryan crashed it and I felt good again.

After Chuck healed we hit the town doing all the Florida Keys attractions, picking up the Florida Key fishing report and having the best Key West Florida vacation ever.

You're Fired! Trump-style Baby

2006-02-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

Here’s an interesting story I remember about our last days of college and when Jeffro got fired from his job at a marketing firm in G-ville. It was spring time and I was chilling at our house that we all shared (except Chuck), when Jefferson came in pissed off.

I asked him, “What’s up fool? Why did you kick in my TV?”

Jeff fumed and replied, “That prick for a boss fired me today!”

“What?!”, I was shocked. Jeffro had worked there for about a year and a half and he never spoke ill of the joint.

Jeff continued, “Apparently my boss didn’t like an ad campaign I suggested. In fact he was so offended that he fired me. He said it would go against his Christian beliefs.”

“Wow, what was the ad about?” I asked.

Jeff yelled, “So I replied that his Christian beliefs didn’t stop him from sleeping with two of the girls at the office.”

“What was the ad?” I probed again.

“So he gets all pissed off that I mentioned it in front of other co-workers and yelled that I was fired. So I got that bastard back.”

“Wow that’s amazing. What did you do and what was the ad about?” I explored some more.

“I called his wife and explained to her the situation and identified which girls he was sleeping with. 10 minutes later she met me outside the office and walked me back in. She confronted her husband and bitched him out like I’ve never seen a man get bitched before. It was great.”

Later that day Jeff told me and Bryan how his former boss’ wife, Sharon, was so happy that he finked on his boss that she wanted to meet him later. They ended up dating several months later at which point she invited us all down to Miami to stay the weekend with her at a Trump resort. We all agreed and I was happy that I didn’t have to waste my dead father’s money on more expenses. I could now save it for more important things, like buying junk cars and destroying them on back roads.

So we flew down and met her at her Miami condos, which was very nice. Top of the line appliances and furnishings. Pretty nice set up and all paid by her husband who still owned the marketing company. Well to make a short story even shorter, Jeffro ended up saying some other girls name that night and we were kicked out of the Trump Towers in Miami.

Months later I asked Jefferson what the ad campaign was and he told me . . . hold on someone’s calling.

Children Stay for Free

2006-02-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

I have a little person for a friend. Max is his name. He’s a cool little guy and he doesn’t mind us calling him midget as long as he can call us giants. We don’t mind. Max is one of those heavy drinkers (he got picked on all the time in high school for a large mole on his face), so he always made party nights into super fun collide with a car night.

One year we were down in the Keys staying at a Marathon, Florida hotel called the Key Colony Bay Hotel. It wasn’t the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in, but we were in the Keys on short notice and didn’t have much of a selection. It was November of 2003 and winter break was rolling around the calendar, so we thought it would be fun one weekend to cut loose in some town we’ve never been before and Marathon was the place to go crazy. Also they let kids stay for free, so we got Max in at no cost. You call it exploitation, Max calls it screwing the system that screwed him when he was younger.

Basically Marathon is a small island, so you are surrounded by beach everywhere. It’s a laid back kind of town, but with Max on our side we brought the fun. We hit the beaches cruising for chicks. We found some and headed out to some clubs. These girls apparently have never hung out with someone of Max’s size and were a little uneasy with him at first, but when Max started diving off the hotel roof into the pool the girls lightened up. A couple of stiffs were pissed at all the noise we were causing so they came out to tell us to shut up. Max being an angry little midget snuck up behind one of the dudes and jumped on his back. The dude was startled and didn’t know who or what was attacking him. Max the whole time was yelling “Don’t hurt my daddy” in this little kids voice. The guy didn’t hit Max back because he didn’t know if it was a kid, but you could see that the punches to his face were really hurting him.

When his friend went to grab Max, I ran over and shoved him into the nearby hottub. It was a good time. We eventually got kicked out of the hotel, but we didn’t care since Max burned a hole in the carpet. He also punched a hole in the wall and slung some poop in between the walls as a going away present.

Axe Chopper Falls to Death

2006-02-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

Back in May of 2001 Bryan’s mother died on one of those little islands off the coast of Florida. It is a little island called St Martin and its apparently run by two countries, one half Frenchies and the other half Dutchies (Netherlands). She had been living there for about 6 years enjoying her retirement, when she fell off a cliff and met her maker.

We all flew down to St Martin and I put everyone up at the Grand Case Beach Club, which is a high end St Martin beach resort. I figured Bryan’s mother is gonna only die once, so why not treat him to some luxury accommodations. Plus this way I wouldn’t have to bring a present to the funeral I can just say I’m paying for his hotel and pass around the brochures.

The funeral was nice. They buried her along side his father who died 2 years earlier on the exact day. Spookie. It was nice coffin and the funeral home dressed her in a saucy night gown with her axe. She was well known up north for firewood, which was the family business till Bryan went to school for telemarketing.

Afterwards we partied with the other family members and had fun throughout the island. We went fishing, sailing, skiing, and did all the other Grand Case Beach activities that tourist do, when visiting this wonderful island. I went nude sunbathing which wasn’t good for my junk. Talk about skin peeling.

Key West Bed & Breakfast

2006-02-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

If you’re looking for the crew on a Tuesday night, you won’t find us out at the clubs trying to hook up with another chick, or out at a fancy restaurant getting plastered with some brewskies. No Tuesday nights are reserved for a ritual that we’ve been doing for several years.

We all head over to Bryans since he’s got the nice 45 inch HDTV with perfect surround sound and 4 recliners in two rows and the back row is raised a foot higher than the front row. Jeff brings the food, usually takeout from one of our favorite New York restaurants, Chuck brings the beers, and I bring the life size cutouts of THE GILMORE GIRLS. Then we disconnect the phone and leave our cell phones in the bedroom with the door closed.

We all take our seats, dim the lights and 30 minutes before the show we talk about what happened last week. Then THE GILMORE GIRLS comes on and we watch our most favorite show in the whole world never breaking eye contact with the screen. Talking is only allowed during commercials otherwise you’re warned. There’s only one warning then you’re asked to leave the apartment and only allowed to return when the show ends.

After one of our rituals we got this idea to go stay at a bed and breakfast just like the one Lorelai runs. We wanted to do it soon, but Chuck had to go down to the Keys for a work project and wouldn’t be back for 2 weeks. So we all decided to go with him and I booked this cool little Key West bed and breakfast called the Heron House.

When we got there it wasn’t like the TV show. There was no Sookie frantically whipping up something good to eat. No Lukes diner across the way. No Lorelai and no Rory, which we didn’t care for since she’s been pissing us off lately with her bratty attitude. We don’t bow down to her. Instead we want to spit in her face and yell at her like Jess did this season since she dropped out of Yale and dissed her mom.

The trip wasn’t bad, but when you want that cold air New England atmosphere and all you get is humid air with dudes in speedos walking everywhere it kind of kills your Gilmore buzz. No worries we tried.

St Augustine Beach Resort

2006-02-03T07:40:00.000-08:00

In January of 2003 I had gotten a couple of my teeth knocked out in a bar fight with this chick. She was mad that I said she wasn’t as pretty as her friend and it went all downhill from there. So there I was with my teeth missing sitting in a glass of soy milk, that’s all Bryan had at the time, and a bloody mouth. Chuck called up his father in Jacksonville and asked him what we should do. His dad suggested that we fly down and visit his dentist in St Augustine and get it fixed. So we took an impromptu flight down to St Augustine to have the work done.

Chuck booked us at this St Augustine beach resort that was pretty close to the dentist. But we went straight to the dentist and skipped the beach hotel. Chuck’s dad made a call to his dentist and the guy agreed to do work.

So after about 2 hours of surgery I awoke at the resort with a mouth full of cotton and a pain in my face. Jeff was trying to force some painkillers down my throat. I think I remember hearing him say “One for you, two for me.”

After about a day of healing by the resorts pool sipping milk shakes we decided to hit the town. We checked out all the St Augustine attractions, like the St Augustine fort, the Lighthouse, and the Ripley’s Believe It or Not. Well I don’t believe it. Afterwards we ate at the only vegan restaurant in St Augustine, the Manatee Café. It was actually really good, or at least my soy shake was.

We then drove up to Jacksonville to visit Chuck’s dad. It was only 45 minutes away, but we managed to make it in 25. We like to push the rent-a-cars to their limit. The visit to Chuck’s dads place was kind of boring, so we called up a friend of mine from high school, Ashley. I heard she lived in town and was still single. I kind of had this thing for her in school, but she always looked at me as a gay friend, but I wasn’t gay. I was just ugly.

We spent the day with her which was real fun, afterwards she moved back to New York with me. Now she’s my live-in girlfriend. So I get to show her how gay I really am each and every night.

Big Trouble in Little South Beach

2006-02-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

It was the summer of 2003 and I had just finished an internship at a local art studio in New York. I was worked like a dog there:

Be there by 11 a.m. to help open

Sweep the floors

Empty the garbage

Get coffee for the artists

Order supplies

It sucked. But it has taught me a lot about being a disciplined artist. To treat myself I decided to fly down to Miami and party it up with the crew. I was juiced about the trip and couldn’t wait to get down to Miami and party it up with some fine Latinas. Well the trip went to crap once we reached JFK airport. First our flight was delayed by an hour. Then when we got off the plane we were told that our luggage was misplaced. Not sure how you misplace 21 pieces of luggage, but Delta seemed up for the job. Idiots. So we headed to our hotel (the airline said they would send our bags to us). Well the hotel I made a reservation had some moron working the day I made the reservation and apparently I didn’t have a reservation. So they recommended another South Beach hotel, the Clay Hotel.

This wasn’t that bad. Apparently it had a rich history of mobsters as guest. Pretty cool. The concierge was this really cool chic who I ended up hooking up with a month later when she moved to New York. The buildings paint job could have used a make over, but hey that’s how they role in South Beach.

After we got a room we decided to go buy some clothes since we didn’t know how long it would be before Delta found are stuff. Naturally we hit the Historic District, which is full of shops. We all decided it would be cool to dress in cheesy button up palm tree shirts with shorts and sandals to fit in. We didn’t fit at all. Everywhere we went we got snake eyes from the locals.

Later that night we decided to hit the hot clubs in Miami and South Beach and find some biotches to party with. The clubs were nice, but Chuck must have looked at one of the dudes wrong because the next thing I know we’re being shoved outside and in the death match of our lives. It was 4 on 4 but these dudes had chains at baseball bats and I felt like I was in a game of Double Dragon. Kick Kick. Punch Punch. Flip one baddy into another. Take the chain and whip it around.

The fight finally got broken up, but we were the only ones taken down to the station. The pigs finally let us go and we headed back to our South Beach hotel. To our surprise our bags were waiting. Unfortunately some of our stuff was missing, like my new 3.1 megapixel camera, a Rolex my dad had given me, and some of my underwear. Strange.

The days to follow were quit boring as we hung out at the Clay Hotel chilling by the pool. In the end we learned that playing Double Dragon taught us team working and how to fight while on a conveyor belt.

St Pete Ho-tell

2006-02-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

When I was a young boy my father used to take my 4 brothers and I down to St. Petes for a weekend for some fun. We mainly went down there for the shells. We would collect a load of them and bring them back to make mother a beautiful necklace. Oh the memories.

During a game of Halo (if you don’t know Halo, then you’re stupid) at Bryan’s pad last year I brought it up. I noticed that his girlfriend was wearing a necklace made of bottle caps and it made me think of mother and the shells. Well the guys all voted that we should go down there and relive my childhood, I think they just wanted a free trip to Florida again. Being loaded, I agreed. Bryan brought his girlfriend at the time, Tameka.

I reserved 4 rooms at this cool St Petes resort called the Dolphin Beach Resort, which had a pool with a view of the ocean. Very high class and loaded with spoiled rich girls who wanted to spend their parents money. Fortunately for us it was college weekend, so it was packed.

After unpacking I got the crew together to visit the Shell Key Preserve where I use to pick up shells for mother. I figured I would gather some shells, glue them to a box and place them at her grave site next to dads. Tameka was touched. I think Bryan cried. So off we went. I collected about 50 shells of different sizes and shapes and we headed back to the hotel. I put them in a box and shipped them back to New York to await my return. Momma I’m coming home.

Nighttime soon followed and it was time to party, so off we went to hit the clubs as we usually do. The clubs in St. Petersburg, Florida thump. We had a good time. Unfortunately for Bry Bry it was Black College Weekend, so Tameka had a change of heart. So from that point on it turned into hitting the strip clubs to ease Bryan’s pain.

The next day after Tameka switched hotels, we hit the local shops and did some cruising for ladies. We met up with some cool girls in town from Tennessee and we went to the beach to have some fun. I brought the football and some suntan lotion. We played some tag football, boys vs girls. It became a real touchy game. I mean sometimes my hand would accidentally slip and grope a melon here and there. The girls didn’t seem to mind. They would just reply with “Stop tryin ta milk the cow.” which I guess is what hillbillies say when cowboys are trying to get fresh.

That night we hit the clubs with our new friends and partied all night. Everything after that I’m not legally allowed to discuss according to my lawyer. Let’s just say that Chuck is in the same boat as Kobe. Kobe’s innocent I tells ya. *wink* *wink*

Alaska is Total Smashism

2006-02-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

Another blogger asked me yesterday, “Why do you always right about Florida?” I replied with “Why are you ugly?” Well she didn’t like that, so to make it up to blogger, Pin Cushion, here is a story about a trip to the great outdoors, better known as Alaska.

When the crew, plus college friend Chris, and I were in college in Florida, we use to rip up the scene thrashing on our skateboards. Chris got us into skateboarding and shredding the curbs. We were skate or die all the way. Hardcore to the max pushing over whimpy rollerbladers with their half shirts and short shorts. Then wiping our hands on our pants to remove all the glitter that they were wearing on their sweat drenched skin. One day back in fall of 2000 we wanted to know what it was like to snowboard. We figured we could skateboard, then why not snowboard. So all 5 of us flew out to Anchorage, Alaska.

I booked 5 suites at the Aspen Hotels in Anchorage. They had some world class service and Alaska amenities that lived up to our standards, like a data port, hair dryer, and even an ironing board. We really wanted the wireless Internet so we could send back the pictures to our other friends at the end of the day.

We decided we would buy all our snowboarding equipment in Anchorage, since we didn’t want to lug it on the plane, so we stopped by REI in Anchorage. Got some wicked ass boards and snow clothes and headed out to one of the local spots. Let’s just say skateboarding and snowboarding aren’t the same. It was total smashism. I smashed into about a hundred trees and into several skiers. The sad part was when Chris went over the edge of a 100 foot cliff and got smashed all over a rock at the bottom. He was fine, but he can never walk again. That quickly ended our trip to Alaska. I didn’t even get to see the cool glaciers.

Spring Break Shake Down

2006-01-31T13:22:00.000-08:00

So about two years ago Jeff, Chuck, the Bryan, and I headed down to Daytona to see a band we liked called Engine Down play. I forget the club they played at, but we liked to hear them play live, and it was Spring Break week, so the best place to go is Daytona. We’d kill two birds with one stone (we would kill them vegan style as not to offend Bryan).

I heard about this one Daytona Beach hotel that has really great Daytona Beach suites and also they have luaus, which I heard rocked. So I booked a stay at the Hawaiian Inn in Daytona and bought our tickets for the Engine Down show in advanced. I wasn’t sure how popular they were in Daytona, but in New York they usually sell out the small clubs they play in.

When we got to the hotel I was impressed with the great service and the awesome suites decked out to have this Hawaiian feel to them and a fully operational kitchen for when we wanted to concoct some of our special mixes of hard liquor.

We hit the beaches, which were packed and you couldn’t spit without hitting a hot chick. Well we got some stares since we were white as paper from spending our days wrapped in warm clothes in New York. That didn’t stop the ladies from talking to us though. Chuck met up with some girl who invited us to a college party at the Ocean Deck.

That night we went to the Ocean Deck. Bad idea for a party. I must have seen 5 or 6 people fall down the stares drunk, but no one cared. Law suit. The party was still off the chain none the less. Later that night we drove around Daytona hopping from one club to the next, then finally taking the party to the beach and staying out all night.

The next day we saw Engine Down play and it was crazy. The place was packed and hot as hell. The ED was insane and each song sounded better than the last.

On the third day we took it easy and watched the luau dinner show thingy at the Hawaiian Inn. Pretty girls dancing in hula skirts followed by some angry somoans throwing burning knifes in your face. It was a blast.

The 4th day we went to the International Speedway and watched some cars drive in circles. Not to exciting, but the dudes with no teeth seem to think it was enjoyable.

We spent most of the week working on our tans and the local ladies. College girls are so stupid and easy. A couple of them wanted me to call them or join them on Friendsters, but I had to tell them I’m a myspace man. You can’t tie me down unless you wanna get freaky.

Uh Oh-Town

2006-01-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

I was asked by a fellow blogger, "what was your craziest adventure ever?" So I called a crew meeting with the fellas and we pondered it for a while. Then Jeffro reminded us of an adventure we had in Backstreet Boy turf back in the late 90’s.

It all started with a call from my grandmother. She was still upset over the death of my father and needed some consoling. This was when I lived in Gainesville working on my 6 years of college for a BA. Chuck already lived in O-Town, so it was me and Jeffy who headed down for a little family reunion. Bryan was in California at the time learning about veganism and Yoga. He’s very bendy now.

Now this was during the time of the boy band explosion. You know NSync and the Back Street Boys, so all the dudes in O-Town dressed like them or like Goths. I booked us a stay at this great Orlando hotel, the Enclave Suites. They were close to some of the theme parks we wanted to check out while visiting Granny.

The first day was nice and easy. We met up with Chuck and headed over to Granny’s to do some hugging and consoling. It wasn’t a snore fest but it wasn’t Lollapolooza either.

The next day we ditched Granny and went to Universal Studios for some fun and adventure. My favorite ride there is JAWS. I love seeing those want-a-be actors play the role of a boat tour guide as we are attacked by a shark and they blast it with a shotgun. Is it even legal to carry guns on boats during a tour guide? The dude playing the guide was also a Nick Lachey groupie with his manicured nails and hair doused in product, so during the entire ride we made fun of him. Chuck actually knew some of the songs and started singing them, which pissed the dude off. Well after the ride we thought that was the end of it.

When we left the park and headed to the car we were met by the tour guide and his back up dancers. No joke they were back up dancers. Here’s where it gets good. There was 8 of them and only 3 of us. Now we can hold our ground pretty well, since we get in a lot of club fights, but we outnumbered almost 3 to 1. Now these guys were girlie looking but very superficial and kept their bodies in shape, so we were a little nervous. I wrapped my keys around my knuckles and Chuck slowly removed his metal studded punk rock belt.

The tour guide stepped forward and with an evil look in his eyes said, “So you think I’m a Nick Lachey wannabe? Well Nick Lacheys got nothing on me.” Then he walked back to his crew and they huddled. Jeff got into his karate stance. The huddle broke and they formed 2 rows and spaced themselves out by extending their arms out till it touched the person shoulders next to them. The tour guide shouted “1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.” And I’m not kidding you they broke out into dance. They had this rehearsed dance sequence along with singing and it was amazing. We were floored by the performance, but not only us, but also a group of people leaving for their cars. They stayed for a fight and got a broadway show instead.

When the dance ended we all applauded and went home. The next day we went to Islands of Adventure and ran into a couple of the dancers. We said nothing, but nodded when we passed. We had made some new friends.

My Art

2006-01-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned before, I am an artist and I work out of New York City. I'm currently experimenting with the new program I've discovered called Photoshopp. My friend got me a copy of it for the first time last week. I've been working in it for the last couple of nights and I have to say that I love this program. Here are some samples of my work.

I call this TRIBECA because of the triangles and crazy shapes. It took me about 2 hours to compile the emotions I felt into this graphical representation of my feelings. TRIBECA is a very special place for me since I'm down there all the time hanging with friends and meeting new artists.

This one is called "Dancer in the Wind". There's this cool feature on Photoshopp that allows you to pick these shapes and you can just let the creativity fly. This is a portrait of my ex-girlfriend, Martha. It reminds me of a time we were hanging out late at night.

I'll post more pictures later. Let me know what you think.

Fort Lauderdale with the Toilet Man

2006-01-30T12:19:00.000-08:00

Jeffro just reminded me of the time that we headed down to Ft. Lauderdale to meet up with an old college friend, Drew. We knew him back in the days at UF. He was an engineer major with a minor in dance and I was majoring in business with a minor in art. Now he designs toilet bowls for a large toilet bowl manufacturer, so it’s most likely you’ve taken a dump on some of his work without knowing it.

So we booked a stay at this Fort Lauderdale resort near the airport. This was a nice place and we booked one of the corporate suites because we knew we would be in Ft Lauderdale for at least a week kickin it with Drew the Toilet Man.

The first day chilin with Drew was amazing. He took us to the place he worked and showed us what he does when he’s bored at work. We went to the dump site where the test bowls and unwanted bowls are disposed of. He handed all of us sledgehammers and we went to work. For about a good solid 3 hours we busted up hundreds of toilet bowls in the most creative ways. At one point Chuck and me were up on this large hill of pulverized toilet bowls and we were rolling them down at Jeffro, Brian, and Drew seeing if they could hit them as they rolled. Later that night we were so sore we just chilled at the pool talking about the days in Gator town. We then ordered out from this great restaurant Ugly Tuna, while Bryan ordered some Fort Lauderdale vegan stuff that we all tried and liked. Go vegan, as Bryan always says.

The next couple of days Drew took us around to the local beaches where I worked on my tan and my hook up skills, which had no affect on the women here. Jeffro did fine, but the rest of us couldn’t pick up a single girl. Did they not know I was rich? I wore my gold necklace and my pearl covered bracelet. But the money wasn’t enough to hook these girls.

One of the days Drew took us on a paintball experience at Millionaires Concierge, where they picked us up in this hummer and then we went on a balloon ride the whole time shooting paintballs at these actors trying to hit this guy we called the President. Good times if you got the money to burn. Luckily for me and Drew we burn money to keep warm, so it was our treat.

On the last day we went sky diving. It was a blast.

Spaz at Disney Maingate Hotel

2006-01-30T08:18:00.000-08:00

Being born into a wealthy family, I’ve been to Disney World a whole lot of times. Chuck, who comes from a middle class family, had never been to Disney World or any other theme park except for some park called Carowinds when he lived in South Carolina. So for Chuck’s 25^th birthday me and the boys decided it was past overdue to let Chuck see the big mouse.

So in May of 2003 we took a flight down to Orlando and stayed at a nice little Disney hotel called Clarion Hotel. I chose it because it was right at Disney World and had some nice looking accommodations including sleeper sofas for group parties we planned on having.

Disney still rocks even if you’re not 7 years old. Chuck was ecstatic and we had a good time. Unfortunately it isn’t a great place to pick up girls or at least in May when everyone is still in school or working. We should have hit it during spring break and I bet we would have had a great time then.

That night we went back to the hotel to get ready to hit the clubs, when we got a knock on the door. I went to answer it and it was some girls we had run into on the Space Mountain ride. They were cool and stuff, but they made it clear that they were leaving for Fort Myers right after they rode Space Mountain, so we just talked. Apparently one of the girls couldn’t keep her mind off of Jeffro so they followed us back.

That night we hit some local clubs like Metropolis and the Matrix. We met up with some old college friends and brought the party back to the hotel since everything shuts down at 2 except for the Wal-Marts.

Suffice it to say I had the best hang over ever. The next day we hit EPCOT, but minus the girls from Fort Myers. It was still a good time and the NASA ride is insanely fun. (Bryan threw up on some old lady who swept up garbage.)

Miami Hotel Switch-a-roo of 2003

2006-01-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

So for Chuck's birthday we (the crew: Me, Bryan, Jeffro, and Chuck) decided to hit South Beach Miami for a weekend. I got us 4 rooms, just incase we wanted to bring some ladies back to the rooms, at the Thunderbird Beach Resort Hotel in Miami. They had the typical amenities: pool, spacious rooms, a/c, and lots of pretty south Florida girls everywhere.

The first day we decided to hit the historic district and check out some shops and get some grub. Bryan, being a vegan (those Nords), made it hard for us to pick a spot, but we finally decided on this cool little grocery store that had a deli inside called Delicious Organics. That's where we met these 2 girls, Rachel and Sam. They were college girls from San Diego visiting family for a funeral and they decided to hit the streets of Miami after the wake. They had been in South Beach for about a week so they took us to some hotspots. For a couple of Bay area kids new to Miami they new all the coolest places and that night they took us to a club called Club Deep. Think of a club with water everywhere. It was tight. The drinks were good and the ladies were plenty.

After the club closed we headed back to the Thunderbird Resort with about 15 new friends. Well lets just say that some of the furniture ended up in the pool and we eventually got kicked out. So we moved out.

We couldn't find a place to stay till we hit a Miami hotel called Travelodge. It wasn't as nice as the Thunderbird, but it felt good to rest my head after a hard night of partying. We hooked back up with the Rachel and Sam and saw some sites, like the Art Museum at FIU and an aligator farm. At the farm Chuck actually got close enough to one of the aligators and bunched it without getting caught. We laughed so hard we almost got removed.

Later that night we went clubbing at Club Space. That was bolistic. It was so packed that I could barely move around. We ended up squashed in the corner most of the night huddled around a small table just talking. It was a good time and Bryan and Rachel left for the hotel. The rest of us waited till after the club closed which was like o'dark thirty, then we hit the South beach hotel. Sam invited some other girls to head back with us and that's when the problems started.

One of the girls just broke up with some ex-con who actually followed us back to the hotel. Before I opened my hotel door to get in I heard a scream as this 6 foot 5 stocky black dude charged me and knocked me to the floor. All I remember is Jeff grabbing the guy and throwing him over the balcony railing, where he landed on some dudes van. He lived, but the cops came and it was another long night and Jeff almost got arrested. The nighttime hotel manager was cool with us staying there, but when the dayside manager came in and heard about the fight and the cops being called he kicked us out.

So once again we were searching for a place to stay and Rachel and Sam had left for San Diego in the morning. I could swear that I saw Bryan cring in the car. After calling 411 for 20 minutes we found a great Miami Beach hotel called The Howard Johnson Dezerland Miami Beach Resort. We spent the day just chilling at the pool and talking about the parties and stuff. The next day we left for New York leaving behind some great memories and maybe a child or two.

Wichita Falls, TX Hotel Vacation

2006-01-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

If you haven't been to Wichita Falls, TX (not Kansas), you should definitely give it a shot. Last September Bryan was talking about his ex-girlfriend who just moved there and how he wanted to visit her. I knew he was hinting at me to take him and all our comrades and I would have to foot the bill. So I did.

It was a good time. I was surprised at how cool Wichita Falls is. Sure its a small town compared to NYC, but the locals know how to partee. We stayed at this luxury hotel called Remington Hotel, since it was a good price for first class accommodations, onsite restaurant (Remingtons Grill & Cantina), and it was close by some golf courses and I had to work on my slice.

The weather was great, not too cold and not too hot. So we played some golf the first couple of days. We got in a bit of trouble when we flipped one of the golf carts, but that was because Chuck was a little drunk and caught the edge of bridge, while turning.

Then we found this great little festival they hold each year called the Fall Fest. It wasn't our type of music, but they had some local talent that was tight on the left and the right. So next time someone mentions Wichita Falls, Texas know that they are talking about a fun place to hang.

Sanibel Island Beach Resort Trip

2006-01-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

Let me just start by saying that Sanibel Island, for those of you who don't know, is by Fort Myers. It's a small little tourist town that becomes quite popular during spring break. Me and Chuck decided one weekend to hit this place during March of 2004. It wasn't a bad time. We stayed at this great Sanibel Island Resort on the beach, which ironically enough was a Holiday Inn supersized.

Unfortunately we hit the Island during the last days of spring break so it wasn't that exciting. We did hook up with some ladies, but they weren't that cool. Chuck actually left for New York early because he's girl became a stalker and wouldn't leave us alone. So I was left to hide out in the hotel to see if I could mac some ladies. The pool there was nice and was large enough for a good size of us to be in it without it feeling crowded. Then I hit the beach a couple of times, which is only a couple steps away. It was kind of uneventful, but a great hotel to stay in. I think Chuck, Jeff, and Bryan and I will go back this year. I'll let you know how that goes and where we'll stay. Happy travels.

Hacienda hotel in Oaxaca, Mexico

2006-01-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

For my first hotel adventure I will talk about the trip I took last year with my buddy Chuck to Oaxaca, Mexico. We decided to check out this city on a recommendation from a mutual friend who claimed he had the best time there and met some woman. He would not stop talking about this place so we decided to check out the place.

I searched online for some hotels and found the Hacienda Hotel and Spa to be suitable for two guys going to check out the local attractions and ladies. They are located in a well to do area and only had 23 rooms, which I like since it makes me feel like I'm part of some special group. Plus from my experience that means there will be less kids in the Hotel. We didn't want some kids cramping our style when we brought the girls back for a nightcap.

When we arrived we were met by an English speaking concierge who was very cool in letting us know some great clubs and places to check out, like Colectivo Central. We hit a couple of the hotspots, but came up empty handed the first night. The second night we met some cool chics at Candela. But they weren't coming back to the room with us, so we asked to hang out with them the next day. They said they had school (college girls) the next day, but would meet up with us the day after. We all agreed.

The next day was boring as we sat around the hotel doing nothing, while it poured outside. We ate at the on-site restaurant , then Chuck headed to the spa and came back later for a movie in our room.

The next day we met up with the two girls and headed to Monte Alban, which are some cool ruins. We had a very cool time and ate at a nearby restaurant. Best burritos I've ever had, but I can't remember the name of the place. It rocked, but again the girls wouldn't come back to the hotel with us. So we all headed to the clubs.

The next day we headed home. I'll post some pictures as soon as I find them. There's a good one of Chuck and his girl wasted on the last night.