I Quit My Job

So for the last 2 years I worked at this one company, but I called it quits. My manager was this gay guy (I don't have problems with gay people), but he kept sexually harrassing me. For example, during meetings I would search for a place to sit and he would say, "Let me clean you off a spot." as he brushed his lap. I couldn't take it anymore, so I quit. Poor Bry, Jeffro, and Chuck still work there, but they should be leaving soon. Except Chuck, I think he likes the attention from our manager.

Jeffro said that he was already looking for a new job at this strip joint. He went in for an interview and said it sounded promising. Bryan has an interview later this week at a human waste processing plant. He will be the guy skimming the toilet paper off the waste so that it can be processed better. He can't smell so it works to his advantage. Now I have to find a job, since I just up and quit. What pushed me over the edge you ask? My boss showed me how he was going through a transformation from a man to a woman. Pretty gross stuff.

-WhizKid leaves

Taking Up 2 Parking Spots

I understand the importance of keeping a new car looking new, but sometimes some people just do stuff that is annoying. Like when someone parks their new car in two parking spots at the front of a parking lot. If you’re going to take up two parking spots, then do it in the back of a lot.

One time we were in Wisconsin for a comic book convention, Bryan used to be a big collector (at last count he was at about 125,000 issues). We were staying at the Executive Inn in Milwaukee and every night after the convention we would have to park further away than we needed to because this dude had his car parked slanted taking up 2 spots. It was one of those low rider trucks that go 1 mile an hour over speed bumps. Very impractical way to get around.

One day we decided to return early and park our car slanted right next to his. The next morning we got up and watched as he walked out to his car. He looked pissed. Did I mention that Jeffro opened his door as far as he could since we were sporting a rent a car. The next day we did the same thing, but the following morning we woke up to a big commotion outside. Apparently everyone else had parked slanted next to us and eventually someone called the cops.

We were all called down to explain. After about 10 minutes of watching others get interviewed our time to talk arrived. Chuck explained how the guy with the truck parked slanted, so we thought that’s how were supposed to park. The lower rider truck guy overheard us and said we were liars, but we had the backing of the other guest of the Executive Inn. The cop wrote the guy a ticket and said that if he parked like that again he would put a boot on his truck. Sweet victory.

Planet of the Apes is a Real Place

Have you ever visited a place and felt like you were in Planet of the Apes? I’m talking about a place where everyone hated you and stared at you with a loathing you’ve never felt before. Well last year the Crew paid a little visit to our friend Mike in Wilmington, NC, where he was shooting a indy movie. He asked if we could be extras in a concert scene and of course we all said “shonuff” and flew down immediately.

Jeffro booked us a Best Western in Wilmington and I footed the bill. It was a nice place by the river and pretty close to where Mike was shooting most of his scenes. In fact some of his cast and crew were staying at the Best Western as well.

The production was actually funded with 16mm Arri cameras and real lights and even a crew of 16 people doing this and that. We were quit impressed, since his last movie involved a VHS camera, 2 VCRs, and some friends with flashlights.

What started off as fun quickly turned into anathema for the crew. I think it started when we were packed tightly in this club pretending to rock out to this band. I remember seeing Bryan talking to some girls he was standing next to. Jeff screamed the Battle Cry, (if one of us is in danger we have a signal to let the others know that we are in danger and need back up), I remember seeing Chuck flying across the crowd trying to get to Bryan, and then me getting punched in the face.

I swung back and apparently hit a girl that we later found out was the Mayors daughter. Her boyfriend was pissed and started trouble with me, but he was a minor threat. One punch to his chin and he was peacefully resting in his girlfriends arms. Turns out he was the police chief’s son and was slightly retarded. Oops, now I can check that off my list of things I’ve accomplished.

Chuck seemed to wind milling his way through a group of football jocks making his way to Bryan who was getting choked by two guys. Jeffro was busy dancing with another guy. I made my way over only to be stopped by a guy in a cop outfit. I grabbed his prop gun and pistol whipped him in the face and proceeded on to Bryan. The crowded dispersed as I waved the prop gun in the air. I finally got to Bryan who was purple in the face. He looked kind of like Grimace. The two goons released their grip as soon as I showed up.

Just then someone grabbed my arm holding the prop gun and pulled me to the ground. It was the actor in the cop outfit. We struggled on the ground for a while until Jeffro kicked the pseudo pig off of me. The Crew circled up as the unruly crowd surrounded us. I yelled back to Bryan and asked what happened. He explained that he was talking with this girl when she informed him that she had dysentery, so she was unable to hook up with anyone for a while. Bryan’s grandfather died from dysentery and took offense to it as a cheap way of saying he was unworthy for her to hump. He called her the “C” word and her girlfriend called her brothers over to hurt him. He did a ninja move to one of the guys throats, but it was close quarters that he was easily overtaken. If we didn’t get kicked out of ninja school then we would have learned some close quarters combat.

The girl with dysentery actually lost control of her bowels and went right there. She was wearing a skirt with no panties so it went straight to the floor and all over her friend’s shoes. Her friend then set off a chain reaction of people throwing up. Chuck didn’t leap to Bryan’s aid, he actually slipped on some puke that sent him flying into the air, where he landed on the crowd control cop. Turns out the guy in the cop outfit was actually a real cop on duty with a real gun. I tossed the gun onto the floor, where one of the guys Jeffro punched picked it up and pointed it at us and pulled the trigger. Safety was on. He switched it off, but was tackled by the cop. The cop wrestled the gun back into his possession and fired a single round into the ceiling.

The mayors daughter and the police chiefs son ran to him and yelled out that I had punched both of them. There was a big “oh” from the crowd. All eyes were on us. Mike jumped down from the camera crane and tried to explain to the crowd what he saw happen, but no one was having it. Then the shoving started it. It was like a mosh pit I didn’t want to be a part of. The band was still playing. So for fun I took another swing at the retarded kid right before I busted my way through the crowd and onto the stage. The Crew and Mike followed in tow. We headed out the back door, where my rent-a-car was parked.

We barely got in before the mob met us and started shaking the car. I slowly pulled away and things started landing on our window: tomatoes, lettuce, and human waste. No question who supplied that material.

At the hotel word had already gotten around about what we had done and we were met by the police and city officials including the Mayor. Needless to say we were kicked out for good never to return to Wilmington.

Say No To Flying Cars

I was reading an article about the recent Blackberry lawsuit and about how patents are passing that should never be approved, like someone already owning the patent on a flying car idea. The person with the patent hasn't built the car or even have plans in place, they own the patent on the idea. That got me to thinking, will we ever have flying cars?

I don't think so. If we do I think it will only be government and state officials who have access to fly these things. Here's why. You know that guy in your neighborhood who has the broken down car sitting in his drive way, or the car you pass on the highway that has smoke billowing out of the back? Imagine those people owning flyable cars. Imagine that unmaintenanced car flying over your head. First there will be people and property being pegged by parts falling off, but later that car will be crashing ontop of people and property.

Also remember when you threw that trash out your window, imagine someone doing that while flying over your house. Now you got a bunch of trash on your roof, floating in your pool, or sitting pretty on the top of a tree that you can't reach.
I couldn't imagine the sky rage or bad driving from teenagers. I imagine those kids who ride motorcycles inbetween cars flying over or under your slow flying car. Too dangerous, too much responsibility. We haven't reached that type of maturity as a species yet to handle it.

Virginia is for Lovers of Engine Down

Last year we took a trip to Virginia to see Engine Down on their final tour ever. It was a sad time of year as one of the best bands ever was calling it the end of the road, so we wanted to be a part of that last show. Unfortunately we couldn’t make the last show, so we had to settle for the 2nd to last show in Washington DC’s Black Cat.

I booked us some rooms at this Virginia Beach oceanfront hotel that was by the beach and allowed the Crew to do some honey hunting, unlike Winnie the Pooh. A friend of ours was cool with Jonathon Fuller (Fanny) of the Down, so we were juiced about the whole thing. The day of the show we ate at the Virginia Beach restaurant by the hotel, Timbuktu, and headed to DC to see the show after some sightseeing and to meet up with Tom.

We stopped by the Whitehouse, where every year we do a little protest, so we feel like we are a part of the system. Then we hit a couple of the Smithsonian’s, the Lincoln Memorial (did our Rocky thing), and drove around looking for some vegan places to eat since Bry Bry was getting hungry.

While walking on one of the streets, some big dudes passed us, but not before one of them looked at me then my pants and said “them sum busted ass looking corduroys.” The thing was, I wasn’t wearing corduroys. I was wearing pin stripes. Idiot.

Around 7 we got to the Black Cat and had a snack to eat inside their restaurant. Saw Engine Down come in and we all looked at Tom to introduce us. He finally admitted he didn’t know any of the members of Engine Down. Very disappointing. The show rocked though. Des Ark opened first and played on the floor area with the crowd surrounding them. There were like 5 cameras filming the whole thing. Then more Lovitt bands played including Ben Davis. Talk about a let down. He writes some good music, but performs it so poorly live. Then Engine Down came on and rocked the house. It was a good hour and a half of pure ED.

Afterwards we headed back to the hotel along with police cars and reporters from local stations. The concierge escorted us into one of the meeting rooms in Virginia Beach, where we waited with the other guests. Apparently someone had drown at the beach, but somehow the body had made it back into the bedroom where it laid on the bed covered in seaweed. Spooky.

Setting the Record Straight

Now some of you may be giggling as you read Jeffro's new post. Real funny Jeffro, but in my defense the dude was half way through his transformation, so he was actually half woman half man. Never trust Jeffro with a secret.

RATFINK

Back in 2003 the Crew took a short trip to San Diego for some rest and relaxation, if you know what I mean. Work was wearing thin on all of us and Chuck was upset about not making the local bowling league. We thought it was time we cheered him up by taking him to SeaWorld in San Diego.

Apparently it was a packed season, so the best place I could find was this Old Town San Diego Hotel. It wasn’t what you would call a luxury hotel, but hey we planned on partying, so the crappier the better. The walls on these places tend to give easier when we have punching contest. Sure enough the first night we tested this theory and we punched about 20 holes in the wall.

If you haven’t played this game before then let me lay out the rules for you. First you get drunk. Second you get wasted, but only to the point where you can still stand on your own. Then you find some walls and some drunk friends. Each person punches the wall until someone hits a stud. Your hand has to go all the way in or you’re out. It’s like that game on the Price is Right. The person to find a stud fist wins. The longest game we ever played was in Tokyo where we punched 76 holes before finding one.

Since we had a hotel near Sea World in San Diego, we paid Shamu a visit. I haven’t been to SeaWorld in a long time and a lot has changed. There are rides now and it’s more of a theme park than a place to learn about our large mammal friends. Bryan always likes to complain about the restaurants serving meat at a place that protects animals. He has a good argument, so we had to eat at some awesome vegan restaurants in San Diego. The New York SOHO vegan spots don’t compare to the San Diego spots.

When we got back to the hotel we were met by the law. The cleaning lady saw all the holes we put in the walls when she let herself in to clean the room. Don’t worry we always have a plan B. We explained to the police that there were rats running around in the walls and we had to find it to kill it. When the cops ask to see the dead rats, we have one to produce. We apologize to the manager and say we called the front desk, but no one was picking up. You have to look very apologetic and offer to pay for the damage, but let the manager know that you’re ready to go to the press about the rats that you found at their hotel. They kicked us out, but we didn’t have to pay for the damage. The manager did say he was going to put us on a blacklist so we can never make a San Diego hotel reservations again. It didn’t work.

Now you may be wondering where we got the dead rat, well Jeffro use to work at a pet store in G-Ville and all pet stores always have dead rats and mice in the back. Before we hit the SeaWorld we paid some local pet stores a visit and took some dead rats off their hands. I gave them a couple of good punches to bloody them up, then we headed back to the hotel and threw them in the trash. Afterwards Bryan has a ceremony and we bury them somewhere nice.

Better Say You're Welcome, Bitch

I learned a great lesson once while in Ohio a few years ago. We booked some rooms at these Columbus, Ohio Airport Hotel to check out some of the skiing in Ohio. We chose the hotels because they were near the Port Columbus International Airport and we didn’t want to travel far if we got snowed in.

We hit the town looking for things to do in Columbus, Ohio, but it was very uneventful. The skiing wasn’t bad and most of the girls were cute, but they just didn’t want to be macked on. Lesbos I say because I’m a pig.

We trucked it back to the hotel and stopped off at the Columbus Convention Center. There was a meeting going on in one of the rooms, so we thought we would stop in and see what they were talking about. It was a little event to promote this program called Avid. Video editors used it to splice together video. Pretty cool. Then they said it was time for the ravel drawing, which we had gotten tickets for when we walked in. Oddly enough I won a full version of Avid Express Pro 4.6. I was ecstatic I didn’t know how to edit, but I was happy I won a $1500 program. Boo Yaka!

Afterwards one of the people at the meetings approached me and asked to buy the Avid off of me for $750 in cold hard cash. Great timing because I just lost my wallet with all my credit cards, so we were kind of stuck with no eating money. I agreed and we exchanged money and prize. He said “thank you.” And I replied “Thanks.” That’s where it went wrong.

“What did you say?” the guy replied tilting his head and squinted his eyes, as if I just insulted him.

“I said thanks. What did you think I said?” I replied.

“I thought you said thanks. Why would you say thanks?” He yelled back.

I backed up and Chuck and Jeffro flanked my sides just in case this guy attacked (this was pre-ninja school. My hands weren’t registered deadly weapons quit yet.)
“What’s the problem?” I asked.

“The problem is I said thank you.”

“Yeah, I heard you.”

“And you replied ‘thanks’.” He growled looking me dead in the eye with flared nostrils.

“I’m missing your point.”

“The point is that when someone says ‘thank you’, you should reply with ‘you’re welcome’, not ‘thanks’ you moron.” Then he dropped the box on the ground and snatched his money back out of my grasp. We stood there shocked as he turned to walk away. My stomach growled in hunger. Then Chuck farted.

Spray Bikers with Windshield Wiper Fluid

I don’t like motorcycles that have that annoyingly loud muffler. I’ve had a couple bikers pull next to my car at a light and rev their engines and the sound was so loud it hurt my ears. So to get back at bikers I like to drive in front of them and turn on my windshield wipers and let the spray get them all over their faces. This works really well in the winter time.

That brings me to my story. Once we were up in Pennsylvania to visit a friend who was dying of AIDS. He shared some needles with his heroin friends and one of the girls had AIDS. It just goes to show that you shouldn’t do hard drugs kids. Try to keep to drinking, smoking weed, and occasionally doing a line of coke, with celebrities only. I booked us this sweet stay at a Carlisle, PA hotels with all the bells and whistles at one of their finest suites. It was winter time so the indoor heated pool, sauna, and spa worked out great for our depressed minds and bodies.

On the way there we noticed a lot of bikers, so we would position ourselves in front of the bikers and let the water go for as long as they would stay behind us. At one of the gas stops, Bryan did something to the rent-a-car so that it shot back more and had a wider spray, which was great for pissing off bikers. We made sure they couldn’t pass by siding up to the drivers next to us. One time a biker tried to squeeze between us and another car, but Bryan quickly rolled down his window and motioned that he would throw a BIG GULP on the biker. In 50 degree weather traveling at 88 MPH, a face full of Sprite just wouldn’t feel good. So that ass backed off and waited patiently for his exit.

When we got to Carlisle we soon discovered why so many dirty bikers were in town. The York Open House. Apparently it’s one of those lame biking events, like those guys don’t have enough events. I think it’s one of those events where they talk about how they’re a minority on the roadways and cry about how no one looks out for their well being. Boo hoo, drive a car hill billy.

When we checked into the Hotel Carlisle, we hit their onsite restaurant Embers. There were plenty of Carlisle restaurants around, but we didn’t feel like dealing with smelly bikers and their ugly women.

After we finished eating we left for the hospital only to get there 2 minutes after our friend past away.

We headed back home the next day, but not before filling up our windshield wiper reservoir with urine. Oh it was classic watching as bikers got sprayed and then would lick their lips. Good times for a dead friend.

Red Socks and Paddy Wagons

After ninja training the following year we did baseball training. I had heard about the Boston Red Sox and Minnesota Twins training in Fort Myers. I gathered the crew and we flew down south. I booked a stay at this Best Western Hotel in Fort Myers Florida. It was close to the action we were looking for.

Baseball spring training in Florida includes 2 major league teams and a bunch of high school teams and other classes that you can pay to get trained. So we did. We learned how to hit, run, and catch. Great time. When we got back to the hotel there was a wedding. Jeffro and Bryan agreed that the hotel was a great Ft Myers wedding location. Chuck really didn’t care about the subject and headed back to our Best Western Rooms in Ft Myers.

That night we met up with some of the guys we were training with. They said we sucked and we disagreed. Chuck threw down some ninja smoke and we took them out, painted some x’s on their eyes, and called the paddy wagon to come pick them up.

The next day at practice they brought their buddies to take care of us. We were prepared though and we each packed some small ninja weapons in our sports bags. We took them down extremely fast again. Turns out they were some players from the Boston Red Sox. I never knew because I don’t watch baseball.